Disclaimer: Everything below is a pretty extensive account of what happened at the Reis house in the first weeks of 2012, so be warned that it will take a while if you intend to read it all.
THE BEGINNING:
Around 11pm on January 1st, our doorbell to our apartment rang. Thinking it was some of our classmates coming by to sing songs at our door, we looked before opening the door to my mom, dad, and Mark. My little brother was supposed to come and visit that Wednesday since he was still on break. At first, I had thought they were surprising me and he was coming early, but the look on their faces told me differently. They came in as a front, somber faces. It brought back memories of when my dad had told me that his mom died. I knew someone was dead. My roommate, Courtney, said later that it took them a while to actually get the words out.
"You know Karen and David were at a party last night for New Year's.."
[ok, maybe someone's in jail]
"There was a shooting."
[oh, maybe they were close to a crazy guy with a gun, and they're a little shaken up]
"Karen and David were shot."
[Shoot, they're in the hospital, is everything ok?]
"Mel, David and Karen are dead."
[FUCK.]
I now completely understand the confusion, the grief, the disbelief, the loss for coherent words. I get it. I didn't know what to think, say, feel...anything. All I could say was, How do they know? Are we sure? What the fuck? Who the fuck would do that? Who the FUCK would do that? So what do we do now?
You get that gut wrenching feeling, is this for real? That question was in my head all night long. It's answer still haunts me. After flustering around my dorm room figuring out what you pack at a time like this, we headed back to Bakersfield. Sobbing is an understatement. My uncle drove. My dad was calling his siblings. Mom held David's bunny and whimpered with disbelief. I made Mark come in the back with me. I'd blurt out questions like Do we KNOW it's them? Do we know anything? All we knew was that David and Karen's bodies were confirmed. The only things that could go through my head was constant disbelief. So this is what it feels like. Is this seriously happening to us right now? I frantically called Mr. Carter, to make sure that Courtney wasn't completely alone that night. I told him what happened. I told him I had bad news. I told him what we knew, which wasn't much. I called my best friends. I didn't know what else to do. I called Karen's best friend from high school, and was only able to reach her parents. It's the hardest thing to hear people answer the phone. They hear your shaky voice and know something's wrong. They quickly turn to "what's wrong honey?"still in a perfectly calm and sympathetic tone, much like what you would hear when your mom asks what's wrong after a tough day in 3rd grade. Then you tell them. You say, I have some bad news. They don't know what to say. They're just as confused, overwhelmed, and heartbroken. You tell them you've got to go, you've got more phone calls to make, you've got to be with your family. You both hang up, and the calls continue. The texts roll in. It seems like a horrible dream still. All you want to do is wake up.
BAKERSFIELD:
Elizabeth spent the night with me. She helped distract me, calm me, put me to sleep. It didn't feel that different from any other sleepover. Just a looming thought that somewhere, the space my brother and sister had once occupied was emptier. Still felt like a sick joke. Waking up the next morning didn't make it feel any more real. Laura came as soon as she checked her phone that morning. I went to check on my parents, and after my friends forced me to eat a pop tart, I kicked them out so I could be with my family.
Keep in mind, my family and I were never the most affectionate bunch. We'd have the hugs that now seem flippant, and of course the expected I love you's before you go to sleep and what not, but this whole experience has certainly brought us closer on so many levels. Dad and I hugged that morning, for what seemed like a solid twenty seconds. I don't remember exactly what he said, but something to the effect of, We've got to watch out for each other. We're all we have now....I can't lose you too. It all seems natural, all I wanted to say was of course, Dad. But hearing him say it, peeled off a whole other layer. Dad isn't a talker, unless it's about cars or mechanical engineering. He always knew he could discuss topics of importance if he needed to, but he always had it planned, almost rehearsed. This was completely from his feet, pure emotion. It showed me a how real it all was.
You would think the first two weeks following Karen and David's death would be where we stopped everything and stared into the distance, cried in each others arms, and let our delusional and unpredictable feelings come out at full force...and they were, they were the longest days I have ever experienced. But not from a mourning perspective. We were planning the services as early as January 2nd and the days often lasted from 7:30am to one o'clock the next morning. Although we had many people almost forcing food down our throats, we didn't actually sit down to eat dinner as a family completely relaxed until the 13th.
It was like the next level up from finals. The days blurred together as they do when you're in zombie-mode trying to cram all the information you can in before your final exam. You were completely conscience throughout the day due to sporadic adrenaline rushes, yet when trying to remember exactly what happened that day, it was like trying to recall memories form Kindergarten. As similar as it was, there was obviously an added emotional aspect, but not as overriding as you would predict. No matter how many times you would tell yourself This is real, it wouldn't really sink in. It still hasn't. You have your moments where tears keep coming, or you're angrier than ever, but surreal is still the best word to describe it all.
That day (January 2nd) brought on a whole new challenge. Media was calling left and right. I was manning the phones and the door. Three Navy officers, the same ones who had told my family the day before, were back to start the paperwork process and to answer any questions they could. Mom's friends, neighbors, OLPH moms, Karen's friends' parents, David's friends, Chevron employees, media representatives...everyone was knocking at our door. The Associated Press, Good Morning America, the Today Show, and numerous local channels called. We lost track after about the third call. I became irritated with one, hung up on them twice, and was very close to cussing them out on our front lawn. Thankfully, Father LaCasse took it upon himself to tell them off. I hear they aired it that night, I have yet to see it though. Aside from that incident, all the media has been very understanding, but it was definitely overwhelming.
It was about this point in time when something inside me snapped. I started taking charge. Spoke my mind. Delegated. If you were ever at our house that week, you would see exactly what I'm talking about. I'd always considered myself a leader, but a silent one. Not enough umph to really make something happen. That week surprised me. As much as I say I don't know where it came from, I know its origins exactly. It was all Karen and David. One of the many things they have given me recently. I knew what I wanted to do for them. I knew what they deserved. So I didn't question it, I just reacted. It felt natural, but like a completely different me. It's still mind boggling to me to be honest, but they showed me what I am capable of.
Caitlin and Kerry showed up and proposed the balloon ceremony. More high school friends dropped by with cards and care packages. We tried to keep the mood light with watching Despicable Me. We probably recieved five different flower arrangements from delivering companies, not to mention the many hand delivered by friends. By the end of the night we had enough food to feed an army. Grandma took charge of the phones and organizing all the food and flowers. Aunt Jo helped too. It was so nice to see all the support we had. The entire community was willing to help.
I broke down that night. Hard. I was scared. What do you do without your best friend? Your number one speed dial? What do you do when your heroes in life are gone? I cried till 3 in the morning. I was exhausted. And it was only the beginning.
PLANNING:
The morning of the 3rd we found ourselves at Green Lawn Cemetery. Filling out Death Certificates with Mark Anspaugh, picking out their caskets. How do you bury your older sister? How do you pick out a casket for your older brother? Despite the weight of the situation, we found ourselves being drawn to the perfect fit for each of them, and even chuckled at the option of a cardboard box. They laughed at that one too. I was getting pretty hungry. I told them I was going to need food soon. Keeping in mind that I really don't voice my needs until I know that's exactly what I need, you will understand when I say that I was cranky when thirty minutes later the message still hadn't gotten accross to them. I'll leave it as, I was pretty irritable. You can ask Mark for details.
The coming days showed us how much work it would take. Kathleen and I set out to meet with some women who were planning the reception and balloon ceremony. While I thought I was just going to stop by and touch base for about ten minutes soon turned into me handing out ideas for probably close to an hour and a half or more. They were awesome. Kim Harper had 200 disney balloons ordered before I even brought it up. Sarah Price had food covered with Jake's Tex Mex and also took care of designing the programs. Mrs. Hubl, Naworski, and Gammel helped with the reception and every other crazy idea I had that day. They took it all down. They put up with my delirious and often extravagant orders, and they executed them perfectly. I'm calling them all up if I ever need an amazing committee in the near future.
The next day I had close to a dozen minions helping me out with anything and everything. Liz and Laura took my scatterbrained todo lists and delegated from there. Dani brought be Jamba Juice and often emptied my inbox so my phone could function. Kayla figured out the facebook page. Keely went on wild goose chases for one of Karen's favorite head bands. The Lugos were in charge of getting photographers. Meanwhile I was checking in on everything and everyone else. Post-Its lined my walls. We had readers and pall bearers to select, Military contacts we were keeping updated, houses and hotel rooms were being offered and organized for relatives coming into town. Calls, visitors, flowers, and food were all handled by different people. Our lawn outside began to look like a garden from all the flowers people had arranged. We held committee meetings throughout the day. My Uncle Jim and Dad started a spreadsheet for tasks. Yes, they still managed to keep their engineer heads about them. My mom's iPhone was attached at her hip. Mark would try to help out with what he could. Jay Rosenlieb became our media liaison, which helped tremendously. Noah set up headquarters for making the slideshow in my parents' room. The dining room table became the center of planning, and each room had something going on inside. We began to limit visitors more and more just so we could actually accomplish tasks. The list is seriously endless. My phone and notebook became pretty important, but I would misplace them about seven times a day. I soon reverted to using what's called a fanny pack. I know I know, prehistoric right? I think I might bring them back into style after how well it worked out for me. Aunt Trish and Sharon manned the 3 of the 9 laptops in the room. Aunt Katey was deemed the bouncer to get rid of anyone we didn't have time to talk to. Family kept arriving and helping with anything they could. The Navy escorts quickly made themselves at home and became part of the planning almost instantly. My mom was getting a facebook message or text close to every three seconds. Sam helped email all the family members the itinerary. Some of Mom's friends helped with laundry and cleaning. My cousins washed the cars....We had so many helpers I'm sure that was only the beginning. It was more like an office then a house during the day. Once we kicked everyone else out, we debriefed. It would feel more like a home, and we were more like a family instead of a planning committee. It wouldn't be long before we would all hit the sack because we were so exhausted from the day.
So many people helped. So many people cared. It's still pretty overwhelming to me. As it came closer to the balloon ceremony, the todo list got smaller, but there were still plenty of things to do. We tried to make sure that most of our responsibilities were transferred over to others once the ceremonies started, and for the most part that was case. However, we still had the important tasks of writing the eulogies, talking with all the family that had gotten into town, going through pictures for the slideshow, and try to fit in eating and sleeping as we went.
THE BALLOON CEREMONY:
Friday morning showed glimpses of our normal life as we frantically got ready for the balloon ceremony. I changed my outfit multiple times. Darlene was painting my fingers, I was doing my make up, and Laura was reading off the todo list. I'd like to say this was out of the ordinary for us, but I'd be lying to you. In typical Reis fashion we were running late like chickens with our heads cut off. Coincidentally enough, we had all chosen to wear blue that day. Pretty sure David and Karen had something to do with that. Uncle Mike and Aunt Mary Lu took over driving us and somehow we arrived semi on time and in one piece. Father LaCasse brought us into the chapel, we had a quick prayer and moment of silence that seemed so surreal, and then we headed over to the field where the balloon ceremony would take place. The color was an overwhelming representation of them. So many friends. So many people we hadn't seen in ages. So many that we barely talk to, but came with support just the same. Photographers, media, the military. The only thing I could focus on was to be with my family. We've never been so close before. The speakers did an excellent job. Father, John L, Kerry and Caitlin, Kim and Noah. So beautiful. They even brought out a few laughs and smiles. Karen and David wouldn't have it any other way.
It came time to release the balloons and "Here You Me" started playing. That about did it for me. The chorus sings "may angels lead you in," and it was one of David's favorites. Mark started crying on my shoulder. I held him tighter. My dad teared up and began to cry. I'm sure Mom was too. All I could do was sing along, just like David would. All the music that day was absolutely beautiful. Seeing all the balloons in the sky was beyond amazing. I know it's just what Mark needed; it's one of the few times he's broken down. Karen and David enjoyed it too, because they definitely corralled all of the balloons up and followed Mr. Fredrickson's example and tried to fly their house:)
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| Balloons were released on the football field at Garces High School |
Hugging and seeing everyone after was so eye opening. It ranged from people we had seen hours earlier, and all you wanted to do was make sure everything was going to plan, to people that you would just see in the hallways at school, where you just want to sob at the fact that truly everyone came. We hugged anyone and everyone no matter which end of the spectrum they belonged to. I know it helped us, I'm sure it helped you all as well.
We then headed home to get as much rest, aka more delegating done as we could. It seemed like we turned right back around to go to Hodel's for a smaller get together with the family. Mark and I MC'd and got a few people to come up and tell stories. [Ok I lied, we did get to sit down and eat as a family there, but it was pretty touch and go.] The stories were so great, the food was so good, and the company was so comforting. Chet and Kristin, our new honorary siblings, shared some pretty great stories about the U.S.S. Epic Fail and David taking Kristin on the track for the first time. Beckah, Kathleen and her parents, and many others also shared. While there were some tears, laughter always followed shortly after. Before we knew it, the four of us had to leave early so we could make it to the Church. The family stayed to share stories, and I'm sure they could have stayed forever if they could.
THE VIEWING:
The four of us had our own private viewing before the extended family joined us. David's Navy uniform had been taken care of, Karen's was pulled together earlier that morning, which is another pretty hilarious story. I'll save it for later. We didn't even know if we were going to be able to have an open casket at that point. We had no idea what they would look like. I was preparing myself for the worst. I knew I was going to break down simply at the sight of their caskets. After my parents had seen them, Mark and I were allowed to go in. I was so anxious I was shaking. From the back of the Church, they looked beautiful. As we got up close, it wasn't much different. They had done an amazing job, Karen and David were both so serene. They seemed different though, it didn't even feel like them to me.
Despite my predictions, the tears never came for me. All I could do was talk to them. I could picture them sitting up and laughing. David saying, All right, when is this shindig going to be over? I need to get out of here and do something! Karen complaining at how uncomfortable she was, looking at me with that smiling little kid look she would give, and whispering one of those hehe's. It was almost too easy to picture. I came back alone to be with the two of them and kept talking with them. My dad encouraged me to touch their hands. I did and it brought on a whole new level of sensations. As cold as they felt, I could still feel all their energy just waiting to go fly a jet or spike a ball.
The family showed up. The media was respectful, but definitely outside and ready. There were many anxious faces, many tears, lots of silence. Mark and I became the dynamic duo as everyone else showed up. We scanned the crowd for some of Karen and David's closest friends that we hadn't seen or even met yet. I moved my parents several times and eventually to the back of the church so the line of people waiting to see them could actually move. It was so good to see everyone. Mark and I began to feel older. Mark had shown me glimpses of a man that week, and still does. I'll get to that again later, but he really impressed all of us in ways we never would have imagined.
I had someone run and retrieve the rosary I had found in David's room earlier that week. Once the Rosary started I realized it was actually broken, typical David, I had to chuckle to myself. We moved to Karen's side while the Navy had David covered. The service itself is really a blur to me, mostly because I could only focus on Karen. I was waiting for her to snore or play peek a boo with me. I know she wanted to pretty badly.
BACK TO WORK:
Right after we met with Monsignor to talk about the eulogies. Mark and I still hadn't had a chance to write ours despite his request that we have a three page copy at the meeting. It worked out fine, and soon enough we were in the car and on our way home to visit with Hannah who was leaving for England the next day, and a few other friends. Then we got down to business. Courtney, my walking encyclopedia, was there to help us narrow our focus and find the right angle to approach our talk. Mac and Lauren were working on music for the slideshow, and Noah was still cranking away at scanning in all our pictures and narrowing down the selections. Mom and Dad hit the hay. We worked on the Eulogy until about three in the morning. Rehearsing it even brought out some tears. We didn't finish that night, but we decided to cut our losses and finish it in the morning.
Mac stayed to work on the music and we were the only two awake in the house. She played it for me when she was finished. It was so beautiful and perfect it brought me to tears. Whether she knew it or not, she was exactly what I needed. She grabbed a blanket and pulled it over the top of us. We cried together. We held each other. We talked about loss. Mac lost both of her grandparents last year. It made me so sad that I didn't understand what she was going through in her time of need, because now I knew exactly how she felt. We went to bed around five and got about an hour and a half of sleep.
Before we knew it, we were all at St. Phillip's commandeering a bathroom to finish getting ready. We considered putting an "Out of Order" sign on the door. Mac curled my hair, Dani showed up with a Jamba Juice, and Mark, Courtney and I continued to finish up the eulogy. The service was supposed to begin at 10. We finished the final draft at 9:45 and practically sprinted out afterwards. We had just enough time to get our flowers pinned on, make our way through the crowd, and find our helpers seats.
THE FUNERAL:
I knew when we ordered 600 programs for the funeral, we wouldn't have enough, but I had no idea the Church would have hundreds of people outside the church. A Green Lawn employee ushered us through the crowd and some how we made it up to the front. For anyone who wasn't able to make it, the service was beautifully done. Uncle Mike and Mary Lu, Sammy, and Grandma and Grandpa did the readings. I think there were 5 priests on the altar, if not more. I just remember thinking we should get a few more people in the Church and just let them sit on the altar. They sang "On Eagles Wings," completely appropriate. Once Communion came, people tried hugging us on their way back. To keep the line moving, Mark and I tried to start a fist bumping trend. When it came time for incense, all I could picture was Karen scrunching up her nose. She HATED incense [which made it extra funny when she was the altar server in charge of it at Grandma's funeral]. David quickly told me that he convinced her it would be ok, and she hesitantly agreed, so I wasn't too worried, but our family did get a chuckle out of that.
to be continued...
